"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord..." 2 Timothy 1:8-9 NIV

Testimony of Buddy Fesmire

My name is Buddy Fesmire and I’m a convicted murderer. I came to prison Thirty years ago at the age of 18, sentenced to die in the electric chair. After a night of drugs and alcohol, with my heart full of hatred, I murdered my father, my brother , and a high school friend.

As I put these words to paper I am finally at peace with myself, a peace which comes from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

For the past thirty years of my life I ran wild in prison, full of hate and guilt, a man unfearing of death and eager to embrace it.

I have looked into the cold and uncaring eyes of Cain, I also murdered my brother.

I spent twenty-six years behind the high walls of the maximum security prison in McAlester, Oklahoma, the first five of those years on death row. On two different occasions I came within one day of being executed. For those twenty-six years I climbed the violent steps in prison society to finally become one of its most violent and feared members.

Almighty God is alive and full of love and mercy, for He reached into the very jaws of hell, pulled me back onto my feet and placed me on solid ground. For thirty years I washed my hands in the hottest water I could stand, even soaked them for hours in pure bleach, but never was I able to wash away the blood from my hands; Yet with one Word Jesus Christ washed me clean and set me free.

I had gone to the chapel that night to visit with some old friends. Two of them were ex-cons who were now in the ministry, men I had used drugs with and been in violent acts with behind the walls of " Big Mac," in McAlester.

I saw a very strange look in their eyes that I had never seen before; the old look of fear and hopelessness wasn’t there anymore, and I wanted to know why. As we walked to the chapel, they spoke to me about Jesus and what miracles He had done in their lives; but in me was the fear that God would not forgive me; because I was a murderer many times over, I was Cain. As I sat there in the chapel I was unaware of what the preacher was saying, for my heart was crying out to God and the pain was more than I could bear. "You’re no good; God doesn’t want you; you killed you’re father and brother; there is no forgiveness for you." Even as these words rolled through my mind, I heard a voice in my heart, "Come home, son, I have always loved you."

As we all stood to sing, "Amazing Grace," all around me men were singing, unaware of the war raging within me. "Come home, son, I’ve always loved you," "You’re no good; there’s no forgiveness for men like you," said another voice. Gently the Lord was calling me home, but Satan held on tight, and I was afraid to take that first step. As I stood there afraid and unsure of what to do, Almighty God hauled off and kicked me squarely in the seat of my pants. Like one shot out of a cannon, I ran to the altar and fell to my knees. The tears came out like a flood, and I cried out the pain, fear, grief and guilt that I had carried around for forty-seven years. As I knelt there before the altar crying my heart out to God, my old friends and new brothers in Christ gathered around me, and as voices rose to heaven, God heard every one, and I know the angels were rejoicing, for a son had come home. When I stood up from the altar, I was empty of all the filth within me, and God was filling me with his love and mercy. As I took a step back from the altar my foot touched something and I fell against the side of the chapel. I looked down to see what had tripped me, and what I saw was Buddy Fesmire lying there. Yes, my body was lying there before the altar, old and wrinkled, covered with scars and filth, open sores that reeked of the stench of hell; but it was the old Buddy lying there before me.

As I stood there staring at what I had been, in my heart I heard the voice of God say, "What you were is gone forever. I cast it forever from me." Slowly that which was once me began to disappear. I was really free.

There is forgiveness and mercy for all who call upon the name of the Lord, for I am proof of that. I ran for forty-seven years from God, sure that He could never forgive me, a murderer, a man who carried the mark of Cain. Yet in a small prison chapel, I found forgiveness. I can say with Paul, in 1 Timothy 1:15. I am the chief sinner, yet in God, I found forgiveness and mercy and became a new creature in Christ, ready and willing to take up the cross and follow my Lord Jesus Christ.

Yes for my crimes against society, I may die an old man in prison, but I stand with the Lord as a member of his church, freed of the past and assured of eternal life. My name is written in the Book of Life, and no man can mark out my name, for Christ is in me; old things are passed away; all things are become new.

Felix Buddy Fesmire #76292
P.O. Box 220
Stringtown,OK 74569

Permission to use granted by Don Holt
Breaking Free Newsletter - November 1996

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